Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Things just seem to be slightly more livelier man. July's coming and it only means one thing to me --- that I'm getting older. Yep. At the meantime, while the girls would be preparing very hard to transit into the rigours of university life; the guys have to look forward to the remaining one and a half years with a strong mind. I realised that I didn't realy miss TJ. Rather, I missed the friends whom I've met in TJ. I don't know why, but perhaps I didn't accomplish so much in the college other than having a good relationship with my peers. It's the people-people relationship that count, where noone bothers where you are from. (It matters not where we are from...)
Hendon Camp is being rejuvenated with the arrival of the Alpha Company people. They've just finished their vocational training and they're just three months away from getting their red beret. It just feel so good to see a couple of my JC mates marching around. One would have not seen them for a long time, for they've struggled so much in order to stay alive. (Speaking of this, one of my officers told me that his instructor like to tell his company that the sole aim every week was to 'stay alive' by the weekend.) To the TJ gals, if you've a friend training in Hendon, you'd be glad to know that they're in good health and in high spirits. Yep. I think I'm not going to feel bored this time round in my office. At least the thought of my old peers will keep my energy level going. This is more so when First Commando Batallion is going to receive the regimental colours this Friday from the President. As usual, they're the Best Combat Unit and that's a lil' good news to pop our champagnes. For Honour and Glory!
Back in Tekong, I can vividly remember the Aviva insurance talk given by that retired Armour officer. I'm sure everyone who listens to his talk would have heard that the Armour Formation does not do anything on one specific day a year because they think that it's a cursed day for them. In the past, fatal incidents invovling the Armour on the same day just created the supersitious feeling in all the Armourers. Now, the SAF is trying to grapple with three deaths in three weeks, all on subsequent Wednesdays. Even though the nature of these deaths are not as complicated or serious in comparison to the incidents in 2003, I ever wonder if this year's incidents can create a supertitious feeling in the army. Everything just happen to occur on a Wednesday. Anyway, we should pour in our sympathies to the units and families of the deceased personnel.
I was watching this Korean movie last Sunday on Channel U. The movie focussed on how a poor family became rich through trickery via the insurance channel, which in turn ended in tragedy all thanks to insurance, again. It is just saddening to see how petty and scheming the family was, showing how money can easily destroy the moral standings of a conservative Asian society. If you ever ask me, I feel that insurance is only a form of monetary compensation and handout to help you or your family tide through the long-term difficulties that you might encounter while recuperating from your problems. Life is precious. It is the most valuable thing other than money. I can only hope that what was portrayed in the movie is not a reality in Singapore.
Anyway, it's time for me to take a rest. Army makes you suffer from sleep deprivation very easily, regardless of whether you're a stay in or out personnel. It's even worse compared to my JC days. I need to conserve my energy for the days ahead............
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zeligdhilee breaking the MUSIC.
23:00
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Random crap
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Today was really boring.
I got out of bed really early because my mom had to leave the house and hence drag me down for breakfast.
I feel unusual because my antidepressants are making me depressed.
I'm so stoned.
Last night I had to finish my AOR (Approval of Requirement) on the feasibility of installing a washing machine in my block. I focussed on my superior's grand designs. I think it's ok, but if I don't pass this I'll have to sign 7 extras.
I want to tell the world that I feel gay cos' one colleague of mine keep on giving me that 'seductive' look.
I am sharpening my pens before I go to bed today, because I'm going to cut out somebody's heart and feed it to the dogs for constantly playing pranks on me.
Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! I'm so ugly. Don't look at my photos pleeeeeze.
I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.
I went to the MO (medical officer) yesterday, and he said I have a terrible mental illness which prevents me from coming into contact with other human beings. And bipolar disorder.
You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.
That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest (and lamest) form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.
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A/N: The above crap is courtesy of Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater which can be accessed at
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/livejournal/Some modifications was made by the author himself. Whether or not you choose to discern this as the geniune opinion of the author or not lies in your own judgement.
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zeligdhilee breaking the MUSIC.
20:16
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Reflections
"The most interesting things to read in a newspaper are rapes, murders and even more....", says a SSG from my camp. Yep. He's a Parachute Jump Instructor and I found it quite unbelievable hearing such words coming out from his mouth. Then I asked him what he was doing here in the army instead of the police. He replied that he intially wanted to be in the police but the commandos took him in...
My mother's favourite papers are 联和晚报 and 新明日报. This is because both papers are tabiolds which focuses on sleazy issues taking place at home. The conservative Chinese teachers as usual would condemn these papers as bad languauge, while I myself would prefer reading the New Paper for such things. My mother said that I should read more of the articles in these two tabiolds because it'd help me gain a better understanding of the grim realities of the society of today. The coverage on the recent gruesome murder case was really comprehensive. That reminded me of how they covered the Huang Na murder case where commentaries and speculations surrounding the murderer and the girl's mother. It's really a live soap opera that is worth a movie. It's all thanks to the Fourth Estate that we see more of the dirty laundry of ourselves rather than the factual story that they're supposed to be primarily concerned with.
The gruesome murder case just made me wanna puke. I don't understand why some murderers want to chop up their victims. I don't understand why they do that if they were not cannibals or Adrian Lim-like weirdos. Does it make a difference whether you dismember a person's body or not. Personally, I find the minds of murderers sick and complex. I think murderers who go the extra mile (like this case) are the true demons of society. Nevertheless, the message they send to us is that hatred can go overboard very easily if not controlled. In addition, they tell us that love is a double-edged sword. You'll never know when Cupid suddenly turns into the devil and uses his arrow to shoot your heart. Perhaps, love indeed is a blind journey. You've marriage, kids and happy family on one side; while you've divorce, adultery and tragedy. (That reminds me of Romeo and Juliet as well as Hamlet.) The mind indeed can kill. Yet it can enligten. How contradicting it is.
What I think society really is lacking of is that of tolerance and sensitivity. At the global aspect, it's highly evident in racism, ethnic and civil strife. Often, domestic conflicts occur because one side cannot tolerate or understand the antics or the ideologies of one another. A couple of good examples are the Israeli-Palestinian conflict as well as the Sinhalese-Tamil conflict in Sri Lanka. They just couldn't co-exist, and view the other side's presence as unsightly. We then go down all the way to the micro and personal level. Anthony Ler had his wife murdered because he didn't like her. The Indonesian maid case where she couldn't take her family's reprimands any more is another one to look at. These examples show how the lack of understanding can easily fuel senseless and preventable conflicts in history. It just shows us how we humans should be labelled as animals instead. It just shows us how uncivilised we are in such a modernised society.
The body parts case would defintely be a very interesting one to follow. Soon we could be seeing a cobweb of love and conflict, and how the spark caused the murder we see today. I guess the most important lesson that we all must gain from such cases is that one must choose his compatriots very carefully. In addition, we must learn to cultivate understand and sensitivity for the environment that we all live in. It may sound so simplistic, but it's true. That's where the act of recourse is equally important. Dialouge brings about transparency and communication, and it's where we must seek to make our decisons in life using the thoughts very carefully.
May we have a society where love and compassion reigns. Anyway, tonight's Channel U movie (The Iron Ladies) would a very good case study on the question of tolerance and understanding. Transexuality is considered a sub-culture and how the characters invovled in the movie behave can teach us how to cultivate the tolerance that we in society lack. Certainly a very good show to watch, given that Transexuality is a very significant concern in Thailand which is a conservative Buddhist state. Have a good week ahead!
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zeligdhilee breaking the MUSIC.
19:55
Sunday, June 12, 2005
A conversation with the URTI virus.
URTI(U): Hi Zenon...erm...Zelig-dhi!
Zenon(Z): What the fuck are you doing here?
U: I'm here to pay you a visit. Why? Don't like me is it?
Z: I abhor you. You give me so much trouble.
U: Why? I thought I've been taking you off the stress of the military.
Z: I don't need you to help me destress. After all, everyone in the army hates you. Especially those from Tekong.
U: Haha. Who ask you all to play punk with my brothers over there? You deserve it. You go to that virus and mosquito-infested isand asking for trouble.
Z: It's because of you fucking viruses that we cannot perform our tasks in peace. You're the one who take innocent people out of course and destroying people's ambitions.
U: Hey you. Don't blame it on me. You people are the ones to blame. Who ask you all to spread me all over your bunks and to your bunkmates?
Z: We didn't mean to, but we've no choice. We all feel as though we had the Imperious and Cruciatus curse at the same time. Double whammy. You're the devils of Tekong, worse than those anopeles mosquitoes that spread malaria.
U: Who ask you all not to take care of yourselves well? Stop pushing the blame around. After all, you never bother to defend yourselves adequately. Yes. You've Maloprim and Doxycline tablets to fight off these mosquitoes. However, your pathetic medicine does nothing against me.
Z: It's still your fault. So many recruits get infected, and the SAF has too many people to treat, hence they end up giving cheaper but lousy medicine which is rather futile against you. I think the term is 'generic medicine'.
U: Hey. Don't try to wayang okay. I can read your mind. You guys just wish to 'Serve and Fuck Off'. You guys yearn to 'chao keng'. I'm your friend. In order to keng without you being charged for malingering, I had to go inside you. Why treat me as an enemy?
Z: There're so many ways to 'keng'. Thanks to you, many of us can't finish our BMT and hence the memories. For goodness sake, can you please leave us alone? Thanks to you, we get more 'knock-it-downs' than ever. Also, you're still irritating me even though I've left the island. What more you want?
U: I like you. I want you.
Z: Fuck off!
U: Yes I do miss you!
Z: NO! NO! NO! ARGH.... KOFF....BLEAH....SPIT...!
(silence)
Z: Mr Virus, could you at least let me sleep in peace? I beg you. I still have to go back to work tomorrow. You'll never be able to stop me in pursuing what I've lost because of you. I shall defeat you. You better watch out.
U: Bye! And fat hope indeed.
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zeligdhilee breaking the MUSIC.
23:20
Friday, June 10, 2005
Six months on
In the early morning bus
With a backpack on my back
With an inkling in my heart
And my body's full of stress
I'm a long, long, way from home
And I miss my lover's home
In the early morning bus
And the cold wind blows....
And the cold wind blows....
And the cold wind blows...
And the cold wind blows...
And the cold wind blows...
I know, I know,
You've to go,
So hurry back home,
Cos' I miss you so.
Yep. This is really from a clerk's perspective. It just seem so weird that I feel more stressed even though I've been merely dealing with admin stuff. Back in Tekong, there's a mild degree of stress, but it's not as much as what I'm experiencing now. The reason is simple. It's the songs that have such an effect to keep my spirits high.
Today is the day that marks my half a year in the service in the military. I didn't do anything about it nah. I only know that I get a miserable allowance today (ie. pay day is always on the 10th), and right now I nursing a throat infection with a fever. Nobody wants to be sick, but this current sickness brought back to me the terrible memories of the 'Tekong cough'. It was in Pulau Tekong where my body broke down while I was on the chase for a stronger and fitter me. The sickness grappled most of my platoon mates, and somehow was the biggest challenge in our BMT life. It is not the infinte 'knock-it-downs' by the ruthless Mohawk sergeants that broke me down. It was the virus instead, and with everyone passing the disease to one another as well as the relatively ineffective medicine given by the camp MOs that kept me back. I think that was the real cause of me being OOC. The incident of that seizure was the excuse for me that forced me to take an unwarranted rest.
Six months on, I don't see myself any better in any aspect. (Unless you count in the luxury of being able to be a half-civilian) I began to feel poor especially after I left Tekong. I feel myself spending more. I got rejected by MOE, leaving me to relook at my future. The office where I work in is like a dormant volcano. I do not know when trouble brews. Yet the only hope of being free back in my hobbit hole keeps me on the loop.
Thank goodness I can use this period to find out more about planning my future. I'm thinking of other scholarships and careers. I'm thinking about how to embrace university life. (and perhaps, how to cope) For now, even the thought to take a look at foreign universities again have resurfaced, since the beginning of the 1-year deferred entry period is valid now. I certainly do make more friends and expand the scope of my social circle. Army just makes you realise that no matter how big your social circle was back in school, it was just too narrow since you only mix with your own brethen. It makes you understand society at a larger perspective. It gives you knowledge that the classroom can't provide.
Six months on and I realise how I have to learn to look forward. I irked everyone I meet by comparing the past to the present. As you count the days down to ORD the thing of thinking what to do after ORD just keep on flashing in your mind. Somehow, I do need a break. MINDEF just changed the leave policy for my batch, where we're not allowed to carry foward this year's leave to the following year, hence we've to use it before the end of this year lest it gets forfeited. Maybe I should go take a two week holiday where noone shall disturb me. Where I can spend time bonding with my family and friends, where I can spend time relooking and reflecting on my spiritual needs. After spending one whole year slogging it out for the country, maybe that's a break we all badly need.
One and a half years more and there's still more unexplored terrain for me. I want to know more. I want to understand more. I can only hope that what I failed to accomplish in my first six months, I still have a chance to pick up from it in the future. After all, I've a new identity. I need to redefine it.
P/S: I felt a bit guilty when my mother says she would help me pay my university fees. I'm also as poor as many others. Back in my primary and secondary school days, I had to rely on bursaries that the government gave me. The question to me is whether the money you get is worth your time, your experience and does it help you reach the pinnacle of your dreams. Frankly speaking, I want to explore the world. Through the pursuit of the arts and sciences, I want to help and learn as much as I can. After all, the saying goes that 'the world is your oyster'. I don't wish to 'hentak kaki' here in Singapore. I want my horizon to expand. And Max, could you care to explain what you said? My Hokkien is not very good. (maybe I need to brush up abit. Hearing the warrants and the senior specs in Hendon conversing in Hokkien seems more of an entertainment rather than a learning point for me.)
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zeligdhilee breaking the MUSIC.
20:20
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Looking inward then forward
While many of us would either be celebrating or whining over their dream courses or scholarships, I'd be the one on the whiny side. Well, MOE sent me a rejection letter, something in which a potential scholar would never expect. It just seem so weird why my peers, who did not perform so well than me academically got a humble teaching award while I got nothing, Maybe I'm nothing to them. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I don't know what to say.
Anyway, I decided to reveal to my mother that in my interview notification letter, the MOE only planned to give me a local scholarship from the very beginning. With that, she told me that getting a local scholarship wasn't worth at all. In her opinion, a scholarship is only worth when one goes overseas cos' everyone can afford a local university education. In her opinion, the purpose of a scholarship is to help someone attain a level of education and career path in which without the money, it'd not be possible since one cannot afford it. You can then say that why not the person go for financial aid, like what the US offers? Well, I'd say that getting a scholarship only makes one's study and career path much more easier, often in the techincal aspect. It saves you thousands of dollars, allowing you to focus well on your studies without worrying about your fees and family's finances. In addition, you get some sort of job security and close mentoring, something which non-scholars do not get. However, the question is, does the scholar like the job he is in?
Now I know why there's a company called JobsFactory. The company is made up of bond-breakers who realised that getting a scholarship just for the money and prestige, while hating the work ethic of their organization just defeats the purpose of getting a scholarship. These bond-breakers want to help us realise our true motivation of being a scholar. That's why I think what potential scholars lack now is work experience. Do they know the insides of the organization well? (of course we all know the exterior, all thanks to aggressive and deceptive advertising) The very first message I got when I entered Hendon Camp was a word of wisdom from my colleague who was a poly graduate. He says, "You must learn. You've never worked before. The kind of work that you JC students do before entering uni is nothing. It's not work experience compared to what we do. So, you must learn." Three months later, I felt that I've not grasped the message. This is something a scholar desparately needs, yet he does not have.
My mother told me that not getting the scholarship was a 'blessing in disguise'. She said that it freed me from being tied down to the civil service for six hard years. And I sort of agreed. Having already spent close to half a year in the civil service (ie.MINDEF-SAF), I can already feel the drain. She asked me to look out at the private sector. I have two years to make my choice. I can also start applying for foreign universities as the one year deferred entry would start ticking by the end of this year. I have some organizations ticking in my mind that can be relevant to my interests. However, I'm afraid that I cannot tell you what I thinking now cos' it's too premature to narrow down on anything. I need time. And to my dear reader, I need your inspiration and guidance. Congrats to all who've attained what they've desired, and to those who're in the same boat as me, let's keep the fire burning.
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zeligdhilee breaking the MUSIC.
23:00
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
One and only
Get Rea! just seem to be getting more sensitive and interesting for the readers' soul. It makes the reader more aware of himself. It provokes the reader to analyse his own stand and beliefs about the various issues being brought about. The show is now one of my most favourites. It's an eye-opener for someone who has a limited social circle and understanding of Singapore's diverse society. I'm not talking about race or religion here; but rather the varying educational backgrounds and thinkings of society. It's just in the SAF where people tend to break up everyone into the "JC", "Poly" or "Hokkien-peng" faction.
Last week's show was talking about the only child. The people interviewed were indeed very similar to myself with regards to how they coped with their life. Learning to combat loneliness, the impact of having overprotective parents as well as embracing future challenges as their sole supporter when they're old just sort of hit back to me, the lone ranger. I realised that I was just like the attention seeker like those interviewed, someone needing the company of friends in an attempt to make up for the lack of siblings. That made me rather attached to 33/03 especially after we all parted for separate ways.
The attention seeker and the role of one's parents were reflected very significantly in the show. To be frank, being the sole child enjoying playing with one's toys gave me peace, for I wanted to explore and to be creative with myself. When I was a kid, I sort of embraced the idea of self-searching, where I did not seek the presence of others to play. With no siblings, the reality of the need to be sensitive with others of my age never came across my mind till upper primary when we had to start doing group work. It was tough for me to learn from scratch about how to work with others and also how not to place oneself in a monopolistic position. One valuable lesson I took from my 12 years of formal education was that I should not be a frog in the well, as well to be sensitive to the people around me. I irritated others (and perhaps you as a reader) very easily, and up till now, to subdue myself to listen can be hard when my peers are so used to me yakking alot. They get paranoid when I choose to go silent for a period of time, worried that I might be hiding something from them.
The presence of overprotective parents also applied to me to a large extent, for it act as the 'police' of my actions. It was like a defensive yet restrictive barrier with regards to how I go about dealing with life itself. Thankfully, as an 18 year old teenager, the barrier has been opened where my mother tells me to 'go meet up with your friends'. A few years back, she wouldn't bother saying that to me even when I was in secondary school. Whenever I attempt to spend time outside, I used to be reminded that 'I had no relatives' and that I had to 'give [my] friends' nos.'. The latter is something I've not seen my peers doing. It was only when I watched the feature that I realised that many teenagers find themselves in the same boat as me. There were several occasions where my holiday mood was marred by a call telling me to 'come home now, you've enough' when I beg to differ over the time spent. As such, I still feel that my life is rather boring compared to my peers. I had never been invited to parties and private small group gathering cos' I was perceived to be a 'mummy's boy' and that I had 'no common interests' with them. That was true. People give me the stunned look when I tell them that I did not know anything about card games, mahjong or pool. Some had went to the extent of putting the blame on my parents, while some even use history terms like 'authoritative'.
Recently, I've felt increasingly detached from the carefree civilian life. I feel lonely, missing the caring atmosphere of my college mates. Being OOC from BMT, I had hardly a strong bond with my company mates despite the fact that all of them know me. When I was in TJ, many TJCians began to tell me about my twin. They kept on reminding me that I'm not a lone child, for I had a twin brother. They told me that it was my responsibility to make the first move. Unfortunately, I did not believe in a one-way approach to things, for I believe that it takes two hands to clap to create the bond. Yep. Zheng Quan was rather apathetic about my presence, partly because he was not an only child. He spent his two years as though we have no basis to meet together, despite endless teases from his own classmates. His classnates' attempt to create a brotherly relationship between the two of us yielded little. Apart from a photo, nothing came out of it. No handshake, no chatting. They even tried to persuade me to join rugby so that I could pair up with him. They might as well suggest now that either he gets converted into a Commando, or I get myself transferred to Bedok as a Guardsmen. To be frank, his presence forced a greater need for self-reflection on my side. We were like two contrasting poles, yet we sort of repel each other indeed.
Well, being an only child makes you a treasure. It makes you unique as you're the sole gem in the family. It makes you more self-conscious and more extroverted, given the proverb that 'no man is an island'. That show that I watched that night just awakened myself from my rather ignorant state. After all, it's time to Get Rea!
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zeligdhilee breaking the MUSIC.
23:16
